andyan na naman siyang muli at nagparamdam. sa totoo lang, ako ang una at laging nagpaparamdam sa kanya. umaasa sa isang reply sa email, sa isang makatunaw puso na text at isang hello sa aking telepono. ngunit heto akong tanga, nang muli siyang nagparamdam, lalo lang akong nakadama ng kalungkutan at sakit sa dibdib.
kung gaano kahirap kumapa sa dilim, ganoon din pala kahirap sa isang napakaliwanag na katotohanang hindi mo naman matanggap. bawat tao yata talaga ay dumadaan sa tila delubyong karanasan. bwiset. ano nga ba ang napapala ko sa pagtitiyaga sa isang taong wala namang tiyaga sa akin?...sa pagbubukas ko ng puso sa isang katulad niya na walang ibang ginawa kundi ang talikuran lang ako. pathetic me! syet!
ang isa pang hindi ko maintindihan ngayon ay parang napakalayo na niya sa dating siya. nahirapan na nga ako noon, mas malulugmok pa ata ako ngayon. he's totally different from the person i used to know. ang sarap niyang mahalin noon. kahit nasasaktan na ko't lahat, gusto ko pa rin siyang mahalin. (sarcastic as it sounds pero I think love also goes with sarcasm.) parang ang kausap ko ngayon ay isang panibagong nilalang na tila kasalungat ng dating siya na ang alam lang noon ay mahalin ang kanyang musika, ang mga letra ng mga awit na gawa niya, at tanggapin ang lahat ng bagay na dumarating sa kanya nang may ngiti...
hay, ang maamong mukha niya noon na nagpapautal sa aking dila sa tuwing nakikita at nakakausap ko na siya. tsk. binago na siya ng panahon. binago na siya ng hungkag niyang paniniwala at ng mapait niyang prinsipyo ngayon. nakakainis.
ngayon parang ang sarap niya gulpihin at sigawan na, "hoy, ibalik mo ang dating ikaw! bat ka ba ganyan?!" nakakaiyak talaga 'pag ang mga taong mahal mo ay tila mga abong unti-unting napapawi sa palad mo. mga tinatangay ng hangin at nagiging wasak ang anyo.
...
binilang ko ang mga araw, isinulat ko ng buong ingat ang mga texts niya na alaala ng nakalipas at pinamaga ang mga mata kakaiyak at kakaisip ng kanyang pagbabalik. pero tila isang malakas na sampal sa mukha at tadyak sa sikmura na sa kanyang pagbabalik ay para niyang sinasabi sa akin na,
"You're not worth my time."
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
the feeling.:|
*in all my blogs, first letters are not capitalized. grammarians, don't dare try to correct it.
there are times that things are so hard to manage that even you, who is involved is so confused of what is already going on. did you ever have the feeling of losing something that you thought you own but it was never really yours? have you ever dreamed of something that seems to be almost on your reach and yet even your fingertips can hardly reach them? that's what I'm feeling now. that's why the title of this post is, "the feeling".
a person made me feel this. he's a man from that world of his who's now undefinable and out of reach. for almost two years now, i don't see him. two years of thinking where he is, what is he doing, what's his condition, or is he sick? things like that. you might think i'm like a paranoid and a bit insane at this moment, but actually i'm just mulling over my thoughts and i just need something to loosen them out.
the feeling... it's because one day i woke up and knew that i'm not the only girl in his life. the feeling...it's because there's someone else who's there at his side in those times i'm waiting for him 'til midnight just to check that he was able to go home safely. the feeling...it's because i have that concern for him and there are times that i don't have time to check on other matters of my life aside from him. the feeling... it's because now here i am, writing this emotional post just to show how foolish i am to make uncertain things appear clear but in reality are vague and void. :(
i so hate this feeling. i often say that i don't want to assume. and i really do. but these people made me feel I am and that I'm stupid of my own character. they made me fool myself and feel unworthy of them. it so hard to think that those people who you love so dearly are the ones who'll make you cry a lot.
and i know, only the people who can relate with this would understand "the feeling."
.:((
there are times that things are so hard to manage that even you, who is involved is so confused of what is already going on. did you ever have the feeling of losing something that you thought you own but it was never really yours? have you ever dreamed of something that seems to be almost on your reach and yet even your fingertips can hardly reach them? that's what I'm feeling now. that's why the title of this post is, "the feeling".
a person made me feel this. he's a man from that world of his who's now undefinable and out of reach. for almost two years now, i don't see him. two years of thinking where he is, what is he doing, what's his condition, or is he sick? things like that. you might think i'm like a paranoid and a bit insane at this moment, but actually i'm just mulling over my thoughts and i just need something to loosen them out.
the feeling... it's because one day i woke up and knew that i'm not the only girl in his life. the feeling...it's because there's someone else who's there at his side in those times i'm waiting for him 'til midnight just to check that he was able to go home safely. the feeling...it's because i have that concern for him and there are times that i don't have time to check on other matters of my life aside from him. the feeling... it's because now here i am, writing this emotional post just to show how foolish i am to make uncertain things appear clear but in reality are vague and void. :(
i so hate this feeling. i often say that i don't want to assume. and i really do. but these people made me feel I am and that I'm stupid of my own character. they made me fool myself and feel unworthy of them. it so hard to think that those people who you love so dearly are the ones who'll make you cry a lot.
and i know, only the people who can relate with this would understand "the feeling."
.:((
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