ICU (I See You)

kanina habang nasa harap ako ng pc, nagtext si mama.

"Lein nagpapaalam na c inang and2 kamng lahat."

Hindi na ko nagdalawang isip na patayin ang kompyuter dahil bigla akong nakaramdam ng pagaalala dahil baka hindi ko maabutan ang dapat ko maabutan.

Si lola,nasa ICU. biglang nalang daw tumigil ang heartbeat. nagulantang ang lahat. 

Pagdating ko roon, andun si mama at ang iba pa niyang mga kapatid sa waiting area. naghihintay...nagaabang...dumagdag ako.

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Madalang lang ako pumunta sa ospital. ayoko dun. ayoko ang ambiance. ayoko sa doktor. kaya hindi ako mahilig magpa-check-up. hindi ako takot sa dugo. takot ako sa resulta. takot sa nagaagaw-buhay. takot sa dumadaing sa sakit at sa mga matang hirap na hirap na gusto ng mapahinga.

sa paligid makikita mo ang iba't-ibang mukha, hindi lang ng pisikal kundi maging ng buhay mismo.

Pag naghihintay ako, mahilig akong igala ang aking paningin sa lugar at galaw ng mga taong nasa paligid ko. sa ospital, may nagmamadali...may nakasalo ang mukha sa dalawang kamay...may nakasandal sa pader at tumitingin sa malayo...may nakatingala sa kisame na tila tumatagos ng lampas sa mga ulap at may tahimik lang at naghihintay...LAHAT, MAY BAHID NG LUMBAY. 

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bago nakapasok si lola sa ospital na iyon, hiningan muna kame ng 20,000. ang dating, "NO MONEY, NO ADMIT".

PERAHAN. Parang pulitika rin pala ang ospital. Minsan(o madalas) hindi na pinaiikot ng awa at pagsisilbi sa kapwa kundi ng pera. 

Nakakainis lang na ganun. Para bang dependyente ang bawat malubha sa ospital. Na ipinararamdam ng ospital sa mahirap na pag wala siyang pera, pwede at agad na siyang mamamatay. 

Minsan iniisip ko, parang pinalalala nalang ng ibang doktor ang sakit ng maysakit. wala naman sa kamay ni sa daliri nila ang bawat buhay. 

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Nakapasok ako sa ICU. si lola...medyo nagbago na ang itsura. Bago kame nakapasok don, sinabihan kame ng tita ko na palakasin daw ang loob ni lola. Pagdating ko roon, nginitian ko si lola na parang normal na scenario lang. binabaliwala ko ang mga nakatusok, nakalagay sa mukha sa ilong at sa tagiliran niya. Nginitian ko siya na parang okay lang ang lahat.

"Gusto ko ng umuwe. Ayoko na dito. nahihilo ako." sabi ni lola. 

"Opo. uuwi rin kayo. Pero syempre kailangan muna umayos kundisyon niyo." (habang nakangiti)

hindi ko na itinanong kung ano ang nararamdaman niya dahil halata namang masakit. ikaw ba naman ang mamaga ang mga ugat sa nakaturok sa iyo, kundi ka mahirapan. 

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Maraming tao sa ospital. kumbaga sa tindahan, hindi nawawalan ng mamimili. Pero sa ospital mo makikita kung papaano naguugnay-ugnay ang mga tao...kung papaano sila nakadepende sa awa at pagliligtas ng Dios. (Sana manirahan sa ospital ang mga atheist at tignan nila ang mga nangyayari.)

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Sa tuwing ganito, hindi ako umaasa sa readings o findings ng doktor sa tuwing lalabas siya ng kwarto. hindi sa lifeline machine(kung ganun nga tawag dun) o sa mga gamot. ang tangi kong pagasa ay ang paggawa ng Dios. Sa mga pangyayari, may dahilan. wala akong karapatan na manumbat o punuin pa ng tanong ang aking isip sa mga ganitong bagay. Ang alam ko lang,

DEUTERONOMIO 32:39

Tingnan ninyo ngayon, na ako, samakatuwid baga'y ako nga, At walang dios sa akin: Ako'y pumapatay, at ako ang bumubuhay; Ako'y sumusugat, at ako'y nagpapagaling: At walang makaliligtas sa aking kamay. 

so sino ako? sino sila? at ano ang kaya nila?natin? SIYA lang ang pwede nating panaingan at pagasa. 

sabi nila, sa panahon daw ng kasakitan nagiging madasalin ang tao. sana hindi. sa maysakit man o sa wala, nagiingat ang Dios. ngunit kailangan din nating ingatan ang ating mga sarili.kung wala kang sakit, magpasalamat ka. kung meron man, magpasalamat ka pa rin.

Minsan late natin ma-realize ang mga simpleng bagay ng Dios. simple palang ha. gaya ngayon, ngayon ko lang naiisip ang mga simpleng nagdulot ng MALAKING pagiingat sa akin na ginawa ng Dios. nakakapanliit. 

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He sees us. "I SEE YOU."(ICU)

MULI, IGALA MO ANG IYONG PANINGIN. at tayo'y maging MAPAGPASALAMAT SA DIOS.

very nice. very nice

An Atheist Professor of Philosophy was speaking to his Class on the Problem Science has with GOD, the ALMIGHTY.

He asked one of his New Christian Students to stand and . . .

Professor : You are a Christian, aren't you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you Believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor: Is GOD Good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD ALL - POWERFUL ?

Student : Yes.

Professor: My Brother died of Cancer even though he Prayed to GOD to Heal him.

Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill.

But GOD didn't. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent )

Professor: You can't answer, can you ? Let's start again, Young Fella.

Is GOD Good?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Is Satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does Satan come from ?

Student : From . . . GOD . . .

Professor: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this World?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn't it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer)

Professor: Is there Sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness?

All these terrible things exist in the World, don't they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who Created them ?

(Student had no answer)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to Identify and Observe the World around you.

Tell me, son . . . Have you ever Seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever Heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor: Have you ever Felt your GOD, Tasted your GOD, Smelt your GOD?

Have you ever had any Sensory Perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Professor: Yet you still Believe in HIM?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol,

Science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my Faith.

Professor: Yes,Faith. And that is the Problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as Cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn't.

(The Lecture Theatre became very quiet with this turn of events )

Student : Sir, you can have Lots of Heat, even More Heat, Superheat, Mega Heat, White Heat,

a Little Heat or No Heat.

But we don't have anything called Cold.

We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is No Heat, but we can't go any further after that.

There is no such thing as Cold.

Cold is only a Word we use to describe the Absence of Heat.

We cannot Measure Cold.

Heat is Energy.

Cold is Not the Opposite of Heat, sir, just the Absence of it.

(There was Pin-Drop Silence in the Lecture Theatre )

Student : What about Darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as Darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is Night if there isn't Darkness?

Student : You're wrong again, sir.

Darkness is the Absence of Something

You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light . . .

But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and its called Darkness, isn't it?

In reality, Darkness isn't.

If it is, were you would be able to make Darkness Darker, wouldn't you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, Young Man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your Philosophical Premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality.

You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a Good GOD and a Bad GOD.

You are viewing the Concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure.

Sir, Science can't even explain a Thought.

It uses Electricity and Magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.

To view Death as the Opposite of Life is to be ignorant of the fact that

Death cannot exist as a Substantive Thing.

Death is Not the Opposite of Life: just the Absence of it.

Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your Students that they evolved from a Monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a Smile, beginning to realize where the Argument was going )

Student : Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and

Cannot even prove that this Process is an On-Going Endeavor,

Are you not teaching your Opinion, sir?

Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?

(The Class was in Uproar )

Student : Is there anyone in the Class who has ever seen the Professor's Brain?

(The Class broke out into Laughter )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's Brain, Felt it, touched or Smelt it? . . .

No one appears to have done so.

So, according to the Established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol,

Science says that You have No Brain, sir.

With all due respect, sir, how do we then Trust your Lectures, sir?

(The Room was Silent. The Professor stared at the Student, his face unfathomable)

Professor: I guess you'll have to take them on Faith, son.

Student : That is it sir . . . Exactly !

The Link between Man & GOD is FAITH.

That is all that Keeps Things Alive and Moving.

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I believe you have enjoyed the conversation, and if so,

you'll probably want your friends/colleagues to enjoy the same. Won't you?

Forward them to increase their knowledge, or FAITH.

They say that student was Albert Einstein.

uhm.:(

maraming beses na kong lumuha at umiyak. kasing dami non ang mga dahilan. pero syempre mas marami dun ay dahil sa sakit. kumbaga, medyo konti lang yung "tears of joy".

sa mga nagdaang araw, lagi ako umiiyak. nakakainis kase 'pag umiiyak ako, ayoko may nakakakita. sabihin mo ng kasama sa pride ko ang ganun pero parang ewan ang umiiyak ako na may nakakakita.hehe.

Ang nakakatawa, iyakin ako. madali ako maluha at maiyak. pwede na kong maging artista sa teledrama. ang function: tagaiyak lang.tagangawa.  wala ng iba. kaya please lang sa'yo na bumabasa ngayon, wag mo kong paiyakin.

tapos ang pagiyak ko may kasama pang choreography. tumataas ang balikat, punas mukha left and right. eeeeeee...

haaay...

pero alam mo, ang masarap sa pagiyak, kahit papano nararamdaman mong tao ka pa rin na hindi manhid. aaray ka kung masakit. magagalak ka sa nakakatuwa o nakakatawa. sa pagiyak mo mailalabas ang isang pakiramdam na hindi maipapaliwanag ng salita. sa mga luha mo makikita ang kailaliman ng emosyon. sa hagulgol mo mararamdaman ang bigat ng dinadala. 

kahit sabihin kong ayaw kong may nakakakita, kapag dumating na sa punto na hindi nako makahinga dahil tila may masakit na bumabara sa lalamunan, inilalabas ko na. parang tae lang. pag hindi mo nailabas, hindi ka mapapakali.

ang pagiyak at pagluha ang naging saksi ko sa mga mahihirap na pangyayari na pinagdaanan ko sa buhay. mahirap. dahil hindi mo kasalo ang mga iniiyakan mo.ikaw lang. 

pero ang masarap na pagiyak, ay yung kapag pakiramdam mo na helpless at hopeless ka na, tapos makakakita ka ng pagasa sa Dios. Napakasarap na kahit hindi mo Siya nakikita, after mo magdasal (lalo kung taimtim), ay maramdaman mo sa puso mo ang ginhawa. dahil wala ka ng ibang matatakbuhan kundi Siya. Ang sarap umiyak. mas masarap pa kaysa sa pagtakbo sa mga tao na ang pwede lang gawin ay ang pakinggan ang hagulgol mo at tapikin ang balikat mo. 

Sayang lang at hindi lahat ay naniniwala sa Dios. pero sa'yo na naniniwalang may Dios, alam kong umaayon ka sa sinasabi ko. Naniniwala ako na "Prayer and Faith can move mountains." kaya hindi ako manghihinayang na umiyak sa Dios dahil alam kong Siya ang higit na makakatulong higit sa kaninumang tao. Magagawa ng Dios ang hindi natin magagawa. 

kaya sa'yo na bumabasa nito ngayon, kung para kang crybaby, okay lang yan. Mas okay kung sa Dios tayo hihingi. Hindi sa tao. We can be instruments, but the Creator of these instruments is better and greater than anybody else. because He's the greatest.

trash bin

andyan na naman siyang muli at nagparamdam. sa totoo lang, ako ang una at laging nagpaparamdam sa kanya. umaasa sa isang reply sa email, sa isang makatunaw puso na text at isang hello sa aking telepono. ngunit heto akong tanga, nang muli siyang nagparamdam, lalo lang akong nakadama ng kalungkutan at sakit sa dibdib.

kung gaano kahirap kumapa sa dilim, ganoon din pala kahirap sa isang napakaliwanag na katotohanang hindi mo naman matanggap. bawat tao yata talaga ay dumadaan sa tila delubyong karanasan. bwiset. ano nga ba ang napapala ko sa pagtitiyaga sa isang taong wala namang tiyaga sa akin?...sa pagbubukas ko ng puso sa isang katulad niya na walang ibang ginawa kundi ang talikuran lang ako. pathetic me! syet!

ang isa pang hindi ko maintindihan ngayon ay parang napakalayo na niya sa dating siya. nahirapan na nga ako noon, mas malulugmok pa ata ako ngayon. he's totally different from the person i used to know. ang sarap niyang mahalin noon. kahit nasasaktan na ko't lahat, gusto ko pa rin siyang mahalin. (sarcastic as it sounds pero I think love also goes with sarcasm.) parang ang kausap ko ngayon ay isang panibagong nilalang na tila kasalungat ng dating siya na ang alam lang noon ay mahalin ang kanyang musika, ang mga letra ng mga awit na gawa niya, at tanggapin ang lahat ng bagay na dumarating sa kanya nang may ngiti...

hay, ang maamong mukha niya noon na nagpapautal sa aking dila sa tuwing nakikita at nakakausap ko na siya. tsk. binago na siya ng panahon. binago na siya ng hungkag niyang paniniwala at ng mapait niyang prinsipyo ngayon. nakakainis.

ngayon parang ang sarap niya gulpihin at sigawan na, "hoy, ibalik mo ang dating ikaw! bat ka ba ganyan?!" nakakaiyak talaga 'pag ang mga taong mahal mo ay tila mga abong unti-unting napapawi sa palad mo. mga tinatangay ng hangin at nagiging wasak ang anyo.


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binilang ko ang mga araw, isinulat ko ng buong ingat ang mga texts niya na alaala ng nakalipas at pinamaga ang mga mata kakaiyak at kakaisip ng kanyang pagbabalik. pero tila isang malakas na sampal sa mukha at tadyak sa sikmura na sa kanyang pagbabalik ay para niyang sinasabi sa akin na,


"You're not worth my time."

the feeling.:|

*in all my blogs, first letters are not capitalized. grammarians, don't dare try to correct it.

there are times that things are so hard to manage that even you, who is involved is so confused of what is already going on. did you ever have the feeling of losing something that you thought you own but it was never really yours? have you ever dreamed of something that seems to be almost on your reach and yet even your fingertips can hardly reach them? that's what I'm feeling now. that's why the title of this post is, "the feeling".

a person made me feel this. he's a man from that world of his who's now undefinable and out of reach. for almost two years now, i don't see him. two years of thinking where he is, what is he doing, what's his condition, or is he sick? things like that. you might think i'm like a paranoid and a bit insane at this moment, but actually i'm just mulling over my thoughts and i just need something to loosen them out.

the feeling...  it's because one day i woke up and knew that i'm not the only girl in his life. the feeling...it's because there's someone else who's there at his side in those times i'm waiting for him 'til midnight just to check that he was able to go home safely. the feeling...it's because i have that concern for him and there are times that i don't have time to check on other matters of my life aside from him. the feeling... it's because now here i am, writing this emotional post just to show how foolish i am to make uncertain things appear clear but in reality are vague and void. :(

i so hate this feeling. i often say that i don't want to assume. and i really do. but these people made me feel I am and that I'm stupid of my own character. they made me fool myself and feel unworthy of them. it so hard to think that those people who you love so dearly are the ones who'll make you cry a lot.

and i know, only the people who can relate with this would understand "the feeling."

.:((